Enhancing Your Relationship: How to make it better.

     We are constantly reminded that love is very special and being a lover, a partner, a spouse, or a significant other, is a very special role we play. Hearts and flowers aside, what makes love so special is the intimacy. It's not about being naked with your partner, but about allowing them to see your nakedness with all its flaws. I don’t mean that birthmark on your right thigh, either; I mean the guts of a relationship – honesty, communication, and self-care.



     We can talk about the little flaws, like their annoying snoring or chewing with their mouths open or leaving the toilet seat up or down, but there are bigger fish for us to fry. Changing the way you think and act translate into personal growth and intimacy in your relationship:

     •Game-playing: We play games that keep us from being honest with our partner. Think about your behavior when you want something and you manipulate a situation in order to get it. Game-playing keeps us from truly being ourselves. It often becomes so much a part of the relationship that we lose site of what's real after a while. For some people game-playing is easier and safer than being open with their partner. It is a learned behavior that tells us if you want something just manipulate to get it. Honesty allows for messages to be clearer, increasing the bond between you.

     •Communication: Communication is the nuts and bolts of any relationship. If you aren’t communicating you may as well pack it in. Of course, couples find their own special way of communicating, which may include years of not communicating at all. Communication is verbal and non-verbal. We speak and we verbalize our needs. We use our body language to do the same. Letting our needs known to the other person is what improves the quality of communication.
     Communication is a two-way street, however, and this means that if there is no one on the receiving end able to translate those needs then the communication has failed. A failed communication leads us to feeling like something is missing in the relationship and decreases one's self-esteem, leading to feeling resentful and angry. Learning to communicate is learning to listen. Sometimes men are told that they listen (and think) with other parts of their bodies rather than their brain. I think it’s true for both sexes. Improving communication skills involves first caring enough about the other person to want to listen to them and second to identify the verbal and non-verbal signals that are being expressed. Then practice listening!

     •Self-Care: Caring for your self includes emotional well-being and self-care. The way you present yourself to your partner, or the world for that matter, makes all the difference. Improving your self-care, means taking a long hard look in the mirror. Are you taking good care of your physical well-being, eating right, exercising, and monitoring your health? Do you look your best and practice good hygiene? It really all comes down to the question, are you the person you would want to come home to each night? That’s a tough, but important, question, because it makes you stop and take a look at all the qualities that you would want in a partner. Think about what makes you feel good, what turns you on, and how much you are willing to sacrifice to get and keep it. Losing the excess weight, taking the extra shower, cutting down on the junk food, exercising a few times a week, and generally maintaining a healthy outlook on life will improve your self-care considerably in a short time. In the long run you will look and feel better.

     Guaranteed, if you improve in the areas of honesty, communication-style, and self-care, your life will be better and open to many possibilities. It has to start with you. Being in a relationship means you have the ability to relate with someone else. Listening attentively and giving more of your self is the answer to so many of life’s problems. I don’t mean to oversimplify it, but if you get really honest, open your eyes and ears, and look in the mirror your life will improve and intimacy will increase with each passing day.

JJR NY ©

Think Before You Cheat: Are you considering an affair?

Are you considering an affair? Is your attention focused on someone outside of your relationship? Before you make a move, consider this – think before you cheat! Thinking about cheating on your partner is the first step to avoid opening up your relationship to emotional conflict, confusion, despair, and potential loss.

Let’s take a look at why you cheat. What is going on in the relationship? Your level of satisfaction with yourself, your partner, and the relationship plays a major role in answering this question. Where are you on the satisfaction scale? Are you and your partner continuing to share a dream for the future? Are you sexually compatible? Do you still care and show a deep concern that is coming from your heart? The level of satisfaction that you derive from the relationship is important to look at in order to give you a general, and often better, perspective of how you are feeling, what your next step might be, and where you are headed.




Also, consider how you are feeling about yourself. Is your self-esteem high? What would you need to help reinforce and reinstate the good feelings you used to have about yourself? Take a look in the mirror. Is your reflection one of an honest and open person or are you ready to conceal one of the biggest lies of your lifetime? Look into your own eyes and search your soul for who you are. Searching your “self” helps to ground you and will keep you focused. Think about where you fit into the relationship equation and consider what you want for yourself and then how to get it. Would opening the relationship and cheating on your spouse or partner change you life in a more meaningful or a more destructive way? Ask yourself, what are the risks and benefits of opening this relationship to a third party? Then look at your partner and ask the same questions of your primary relationship.

Decision-making ability is sometimes left by the wayside when chemistry is high and a physical attraction is strong. What can you gain? Will this be a two-sided win-win or a three-sided lose-lose-lose proposal? A quick fix to a sexual urge is often the beginning of the affair. It feels good; it’s titillating, new, exciting and different. Okay, there is something to be said about that. But let’s look at the flipside. Now you have a secret, a dirty little secret. Secrets are exciting on their own, but they separate us from others and ourselves. The affair becomes a private place to retreat to both in reality and in your mind. What are the downsides of cheating? Number one is GUILT. Guilt is a side effect of having an affair. Guilt takes a lot of energy and is a tremendous distraction from your primary relationship. Creating emotional conflict is another side effect of an affair. Torn between two lovers is a painful place to be. On one hand you have a long-term commitment with your partner at stake and on the other you have a new relationship that will surely divert your attention.

Take a closer look at your motives for wanting to cheat on your partner. If you don’t take a good long and hard look you will be destined to living in a web of lies. What do you have to lose? For some it may be a ho-hum inconsequential relationship that has been emotionally sapping them, but for many it may be years of hard work and commitment and possibly even losing the love of your life. Consider using your brain (the one above your shoulders) and avoid a lot of the hurt that you and your partner will inevitably endure. Unless your relationship is super-evolved to include another person, think before you cheat!
The love you save may be your own.

JJR NY ©

Ending a Relationship: Feeling disillusioned with love?

Are you feeling disillusioned with the person who you thought was the love of your life? Are you stuck in a never-ending maze of negative feelings? Are you afraid to leave your relationship? The answers to these questions may point to being in and wanting to leave a bad relationship.

Letting your partner know that you want out is the hardest part once a decision has been made to leave. The fear in facing the truth about your relationship is often what keeps you in a maze of inaction.

RECOGNIZING A BAD RELATIONSHIP: If you had a relationship satisfaction meter where would the needle point? On one side the meter indicates your level of satisfaction, compatibility, joy, happiness, focus and future-planning. On the other it registers a sense of hopelessness, anger, despair, and self-doubt. Somewhere in the middle is a feeling of acceptance, approval, things are okay, and peace. If your needle points to the red zone of despair it may be time to think about where you fit in and what you want out of the relationship. If a dead-end is ahead of you, are you willing to sacrifice your sanity and maybe even your life to stay in a bad relationship?




DECISION-MAKING: Making the decision to leave takes a lot of guts and soul-searching. The decision will not only have an impact on you and your partner, but also your family and friends. Ending a bad relationship is accepting that there are going to be major changes in your life and that you are ready to face them head-on. How do you make the decision? Take a look at the positive and negative sides of the relationship. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of it. Write the word "negative" on one side and the word "positive" on the other. Now start thinking and writing. This is an exercise in looking at your relationship from your perspective, being brutally honest with yourself. You may feel guilty writing things that you have been thinking about and keeping inside for so long, but do it anyway. Remember, this exercise is for your eyes only, so take your time and try not to censor yourself. When you are done, look at the two sides. They will give you some idea of where you are and where you are headed.

BUILDING A SUPPORT SYSTEM: Now that you have examined your true feelings and thoughts about your relationship, you must begin to gather your resources. Take a look at who is on your side, who you can turn to for emotional, physical, or financial help. Finding people who share your problems or have other things in common is important to help you feel supported and not alone. Even if you have felt all alone for many years, you don't have to feel alone any longer. Join a support group. This will not only help you get out of the house, but will also help you feel like you belong to a group of people who share the same interests and goals. Call on your support group for their caring and concern when you need it the most. Offer your help to others. There is stength in numbers.

COMMUNICATING YOUR NEEDS: Let people know how you feel. Try on the words that you want to say to your partner. Look in a mirror and practice. You may be saying things that you have only thought of before. Then try them out on a friend. Practicing saying the words will help you come to terms with their true meaning. When you feel confident that you will be able to speak with your partner and tell him or her what it is that you want, then go ahead and be honest.

AFFIRMATIONS: Affirmations are bits of sentences that you create to begin to help you change your beliefs about yourself. Write down words that describe positive aspects of your personality, ie. smart, witty, beautiful, faithful, charming. Then create a sentence starting with the words "I am." Take your affirmations with you and say them often. The affirmation becomes your mantra and helps you push away all the negative beliefs that you've been carrying around. Your self-esteem will increase as your belief system improves and the world will feel like a safer place.

Hopefully, through being honest, making the right decision, building a support system, communicating your feelings, and affirming who you are, you will gain the insight, strength, and courage to make a move toward a healthier and more fulfilling life. Ending a relationship is often a painful experience, but it's also an experience that may bring you personal growth and freedom.

JJR/NY '06 ©