Lust, Trust, Bust: The Relationship That Was

It’s happens to so many of us. You meet someone, fall in love, trust them to the hilt, and then in the blink of an eye the relationship ends. Just like that. I call it the “lust, trust, bust” syndrome! It leaves you asking why even bother again?

Think of the relationships you have been in and take a look at how they began, where they were headed, the period of time when all was good, and then the ending. What went wrong?




The Lust: You date someone and you feel the chemistry well up inside. The desire to get to know this person is strong, as well as the desire for intimacy. After awhile, you allow your defenses to step aside and you take the risk of letting this person into your life. You risk your emotional and often physical intimacy with this other person. You feel revitalized, younger, more beautiful and sexy. The lust has caught you in a myriad of feelings that continue to draw you closer.

The Trust: As you get closer to this person your trust level increases in the emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of your life. It feels wonderful to be loved, held, cared for, and truly be a part of someone else’s life. As you get closer, you share more of your desires and dreams, letting your defenses down even more. You trust because you were taught to trust. Love feels good. The dating becomes more than an expectation. It becomes a ritual that may hold a promise for a future together.

The Bust: Then, in the blink of an eye, the phone calls and text messages stop. Dates are broken. Left wondering what happened you begin to retrace every conversation, every call, every date, every message, and every minute that you spent together. You feel raw and on edge, hurting from the confusion you feel and the silence between you. Although this is a familiar feeling, it still catches you off guard and takes your breath away. You think how can his happen again? Feeling duped you vow never to be in a relationship again.

How can you avoid the pitfall and agony of the “lust, trust, bust” syndrome? Pay attention to the signals. Were you sharing the same values, hopes, and dreams for the future? Were you interacting socially? Was the relationship fun and open to new and exciting things? Was it closed off from other people, family, and friends? Were either of you bored? How was your time spent? Were you able to acknowledge each other as separate beings with personal lives before you met? Was there jealousy? Was there rage? What were the signs, if any, that pointed to the ending before the relationship had a chance to grow? Are these questions familiar?

Before you swear off ever getting your feet wet again, take a look at these questions. If there were no signs, take the risk anyway. Not every relationship suffers from “lust, trust, bust”, but it may be a pattern for you to look at and change.

JJR/NY '06 ©

A Little Bit of Chemistry Helps: Finding Love Online

How do you take two perfect strangers and turn them into lovers? It used to be the job of matchmakers, those busy little women who set up arrangements that with little failure turned into marriages. Some believed it was the alignment of the sun and the stars, the planetary interplay of the universe. Then the theory turned to chemistry, the molecular magic of the human body. Oh, and let’s not forget the blind date, where the unknown becomes the known as quickly as one can answer a doorbell. There are so many different ways and notions about how people meet. For centuries men and women have met, fallen in love, partnered, and procreated. The only difference between then and now is the way that people meet.




With the electronic and digital age upon us, meeting and falling in love has taken a new and exciting twist. Meeting someone online has become a way of life for millions of singles. It starts with choosing a dating site that is comfortable to navigate and leads to searching through profiles and photos of prospective dating candidates. The profile, rich in upbeat and positive descriptive words, describes the perfect mate out of all other possibilities. The photo, often retouched to illuminate and highlight features, is as important. Together they create a package that begs to be opened.

What’s next? The profile and photo combination is chosen and the initial message is sent electronically. The first “hello” is so important. What is captured in the first contact will always be remembered. The contacts continue and getting to know each other is an exploration that begins to have a déjà vu feeling to it. Feeling like you have traveled this road before, it’s easy to get caught up in the “trying to look good and act positive” roles. Trying too hard to impress, may lead to failure. Being and presenting one’s true self is the key to a successful first date and beyond.

Now comes the fun part. Developing a bond between two people comes with trust, time, and maybe some of that good old fashioned chemistry. Sizing up the situation becomes almost second nature with practice. How many dates does it take to know that this person is not the one for you? Not too many one would think. First you have to get through the first impression of the photo vs. the real life person standing in front of you. Was the photo a lie or did honesty reign? Once past the photo test, the personality test lingers close behind. Is this person for real? Is the profile the true measure of the man (or woman)? Profiling becomes a tedious task for so many singles: searching and dating and starting all over again. Dating becomes a ritualistic way of life and rather than it leading to something long-lasting, it becomes a string of first dates that end in disappointment.

Let’s not despair. The magical key to open a heart doesn’t only exist in fairy tales but also in real life. Online dating has success stories that speak of enduring love; friendships that grow and flourish with time; and marriages that are created from an everlasting bond. Statistics show that online dating can be a successful way of meeting your mate. It takes a resilient soul, a keen eye, perseverance, and an open heart. Give it a try, the next person you meet may be just the one you have been searching for.

Truth is not much has changed, except that today’s matchmaker may be the next text message from a digitally designed hand held electronic device. Then again, it may just be the alignment of the solar system and let’s not forget that a little bit of chemistry goes a long way. Have fun dating online. Most important, be safe, play smart, and find love.

JJR NY © 2006

Finding Someone to Love: Not a Full-time Job

Everywhere you look it seems that there are people in love. They hold hands, they kiss, they gaze into each others’ eyes, they play and most important, they connect.

As an outsider looking in it seems that love must come easily. Love, for the most part, is a natural part of being alive. Connecting to another human being is the hard part. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or what your beliefs are, finding someone to love is a job all in itself.




When you finally decide that the search is on, where do you begin? The tried and true method of being set up by a friend or relative on a blind date becomes old and boring like the last 10 dates you were on. Meeting someone at work, that’s a possibility, but also risky, because when it ends who gets to stay at the workplace? Are you a bar hopper? Singles do tend to hang out in crowds and the crowds tend to gravitate toward the bar. Online dating is probably the most popular resource, but it also has its’ own downfalls and risks. Back to square one.

Finding someone to love starts with you. Being familiar with your own tastes and desires is the beginning of forming a relationship with someone else. Get to know what it is you want out of life and even more so, out of a relationship. Are you a whole person? Will the next person you allow into your personal space be only a fraction of a person who helps to make up the whole of you? Or is that person whole and healthy and able to give their self freely. Love is about coming into the relationship as a whole person ready, willing and able to complement one another, for better or for worse.

Connecting is more than just the kiss or gaze. It is a commitment to another soul that there is safety and trust in the bond. It is about loving and caring for another.

Finding someone to love shouldn’t be your part-time or full-time job. Love will come when you fulfill this commitment to yourself. Lighten up. Work on who you are. What you want will come later. Love is out there for you to find and hold onto. Be patient.

JJR/NY/'06 ©