The First Kiss: Some events are unforgettable

There are some events in life that we just never forget, although sometimes we wish we could. Those are the memorable events that become forever forged in our psyche, only to come back from the recesses of our mind reminding us that we are human and we are made up of a lifetime of experiences.




As a counselor in a junior high school, dealing with adolescents and first love was always an experience for me. I will never forget the day that one of my young female students knocked at my door, tears welling up in her eyes, lips quivering, fighting back her tears. After a moment of composure she told me that her boyfriend finally kissed her and it was awful. "He drooled on me", she said with utter disgust. "Ugh", she moaned. I had a moment of compassion for the poor guy thinking that he probably didn't mean to drool at this most inopportune moment, but my attention went back to this young lady, hopes dashed, fantasy ruined. Would she ever kiss anyone else again?

It makes me wonder about the fantasies that we all have and sometimes share. We build up the fantasy of a perfect stranger to a crescendo that sometimes plummets into an abyss of disappointment. In other words, the build up leads to the let down.

So how do we sustain the fantasy? How can we be assured that the perfect stranger, who we met online or on a blind date or through a friend, is going to be, at least, passable when it comes to the first kiss. Will it be magic? Will it set off the fireworks that we all anxiously wait for? Will they drool?

I remember my first kiss. I was at a Boy Scout camp. I spent the summer there with my family. The boys were across the lake. Except one night they were allowed to come to our side. It happened. Just like that on a dark road, flashlights in hand, one of the scouts kissed me. My head was spinning. I was young, naive, and confused. When I got back to the cabin I stared at my lips in the mirror to make sure that there were no tell-tale signs. My mother would kill me, I thought. Forty-five years later, I remember that moment as if it were frozen in time.

The build up is a big part of growing up and no matter what age you are it remains an important beginning to a relationship. The excitement, the tension, and the fantasy all become the background music for the enchanted journey. The first kiss can seal the deal or it can be a sign to say goodnight and quickly move on.

The first kiss is one of the many lifetime experiences that will stay with you and come back to remind you that chemistry does count. Remember yours?

The Dating Ritual: Dating is a complicated affair

Dating is a complicated affair. It involves the initial contact, the getting to know you, the first meeting, the second and subsequent dates, the first kiss, the first moment of true intimacy, sharing hopes and dreams, introducing friends and family, daily contact, blah, blah, blah. It's like a never-ending story, yet a story that many of us strive to become a character in.




This never-ending story is all part of a ritual that humans go through. The ritual personifies what it is to be human. Of course, the ritual exists so that the human race will multiply forever. A pretty important point, if you ask me.

One of the most important rituals that we humans do is called "dating." Ahh, to be young again. To be able to pick and choose and go through dates like they were calendar pages to be tossed away with each passing day. Remember how much fun that was?

Dating is the cause and effect, the ultimate "in person", where you have to show up on your best behavior, breath fresh, clothes clean, looking good. You worry before, during, and after. The dates stack up. They multiply. One after another, until one day, the date sticks. Sticking is what we are looking for. Sticking is when the date becomes a relationship. How does a first date morph into a relationship?

It takes time, although we would like to believe that it could happen sooner than later. The morph is that fluid motion that exists between you and your partner. The hit and miss. The touch and go. The dance. When the dance ends the music truly begins. Love is funny that way. When you least expect it, the first date leads to a relationship, the relationship to a commitment and the commitment to forever. Like I said, dating is a complicated affair, but an affair that pays off in the end.

To Bed or Not To Bed?: You're at 1st base, now what?

Okay, so you're at first base and coming around to second. Now what? As you grow closer and begin to find that the chemistry is percolating, the ultimate relationship question arises, to bed or not to bed?




You like each other. In fact you can say that you are getting closer with each passing day. There's nothing to stand between you, except a fear of intimacy, concern about STD's, a spouse, kids in the next room, and a host of so many other things that get in the way. You feel that it's now or never. "Now" feeling too threatening and "never" feeling like forever. This is the time that the line that you've drawn in the sand becomes a blur as it blends in with the rest of the beach. Do you dare to step across the line?

We all played the game. As adolescents we played intimacy baseball. How many bases did you get to? What would happen if you hit a homerun? It was hit or miss then. It was easier and expected. Adolescents play with intimacy. Adults become intimate.

The stranger who has become your friend wants to take you to the next level. It forces you to take responsibility for being in the relationship. In an adolescent way you can play with the intimacy. Touch it, feel it, savor it. Or you can allow yourself the complete abandon of intimacy and take it to the next level, trusting, guiding, allowing this other person into your life space.

The lesson of intimacy is a life lesson. There is more to intimacy than meets the eye. Trust, mutual respect, communication, and empathy all play an important role in growing in a relationship. Like a flower, it takes more than rain. It needs sunlight and water and loving encouragement to grow. In that regard, people are like flowers. Intimacy grows from within and shared intimacy is what flourishes.