Maintaining Your Individuality in Love

Maintaining Your Individuality in Love
by Paul Mauchline
 
What is the distinction between mature love and a common misconception of what love is: the symbiotic relationship? Mature love is stable, a union of two people who respect themselves and each other. Symbiotic love is needy and dependent. Symbiotic relationships demand that one person has power over another. This results in the loss of the integrity of both partners. Mature love means that both individuals in the partnership have room to be themselves, even while being together. In the symbiotic relationship, one partner is driven by need and fear that the other partner will leave. In mature love, each partner is free and whole, choosing, rather than being driven, to give love to the other partner.



 
Mature love requires giving your love with no strings attached, with no expectations. Many of us have learned from society that to give means "to give up" or "to give away" -- in essence, creating a deficit in ourselves. Further, we learn to give only as much as we expect to receive in return, lest we end up feeling cheated by giving more. Giving, as it exists in mature love, is quite different from these types of messages we have received. Rather than being seen as a sacrifice or an investment in future returns, giving in mature love comes from a desire to give and an ability to do so. In the words of Erich Fromm, author of The Art of Loving published in 1956, "Giving is the highest expression of potency... more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness."

In a symbiotic relationship, one partner gives up a significant part of himself or herself in order to maintain a peaceful relationship. This individual, ruled by a fear of being alone, will sacrifice parts of his or her identity for the sake of keeping the relationship intact. Short-term conflict is avoided, and the status quo is maintained. In the long run, though, there is a price to be paid: the loss of one's individuality. If one partner idolizes the other and is willing to sacrifice himself more completely, then the other partner has more power and control over the relationship. When the balance of power is unequal, the relationship becomes unsatisfying for both partners; almost inevitably, it ends. There are a lot of people willing to give up an awful lot to avoid being alone. They are willing to give up who they are, what they are, and what they want and need. They are willing to sacrifice their individuality for the love of another.

Any person who is willing to make such a sacrifice lacks self-love, and thus is incapable of maintaining a mature, loving relationship. Self-love is where love for others has to start. Giving up your individuality will eventually come back to haunt you; you will end up feeling anger, resentment, and/or regret. The outcome of one partner resenting the other is the deterioration of the relationship. People need relationships, but they also need to be fulfilled within themselves. When you give up your dreams for the sake of your partner's, you do so at the cost of your own individuality and personal growth.

When you enter into a relationship, it does not mean that your personal life stops. Your life does not totally change because you are with another person. You have to maintain your own individuality. You have to have your own personal goals. You need to maintain the friendships, hobbies and interests that you had before you met your partner. If you give these up for the sake of your relationship, you are giving up your life. When your partner first met you, they were attracted to you as an individual. It's important that you keep your individuality-- that's what attracted your partner in the first place. Maintaining your individuality will enable you and your partner to build a mature loving relationship.

Many relationships fail today because one partner has given up too much of themselves for the other. You have to love yourself first, before you can love another. If you enter a relationship and give up all the things that define you as an individual, you are not giving yourself the love that you need. Sooner or later, if you lose your identity, if you stop giving to yourself, you will be unable to give to your relationship.

It's important not to confuse identity and individuality with flexibility in your relationship. Individuality is about the things that make you who you are. Flexibility is about compromise. Compromise will always be necessary in any relationship that you have. In order to compromise, you have to be committed to honest communication of your feelings and needs at all times. In building a life together, problems will arise.

Problem solving through honest communication is the key to building a mature, loving relationship. Neither you nor your partner should give up anything that makes you the unique person that you are. It's up to you and your partner to find the balance that you both need to succeed in a rising loving relationship.

Looking Out For #1

Looking Out For #1
Larry James

Never allow anything to have a higher priority than looking out for number one. You are all you have. Never allow anyone, not even your love partner, to rob you of the single most important personal responsibility of your life. You must take care of you first. Only then will you be ready to face the daily realities of a love relationship.

Taking care of you first is a lifelong project. It is a lifetime commitment. It must be your top priority, your most specific intention. Don't take this one lightly.

Me first is not selfishness. It is not narcissism. Common sense says, "If I don't take care of me, who will?" Me first is only what it says. It says, "I care enough about me to make sure that my needs get met and that I will always only depend on myself for myself."

If you are looking for someone who will do this for you, forget it. Healthy love relationships aren't made up that way.

You never have to apologize or make excuses for taking care of you. Be careful about talking about how tough things are and how hard you work and how little time you have. Never be ashamed to tell people that you took a little time out for yourself. There is nothing wrong with looking out for number one, first.

If you have been in an unhealthy relationship, take care not to repeat the destructive behaviors of the past that brought you to this point.

We can get so busy working on trying to fix our love partner - an impossible task, I might add - that we forget that we are responsible for only fixing ourselves. Often we give ourselves so completely to our love partner we lose track of who we are and what we need for our own fulfillment in the relationship.

One of the reasons this happens is because we place more value on others than we place on our own well-being. We are more concerned about what others think of us than what we think of ourselves. Depending upon others for our feelings of self-worth is a major step in the wrong direction. I believe this scenario is initiated by our self-defeating thoughts and manifested by our self-defeating behavior.

Those who still can't get it keep doing the same old things and getting the same old results. They scratch their heads and wonder who they are and what in the world is going on. They haven't the foggiest notion that they may be the only problem.

Who would you have to become to take care of you first?

Think about it.

As you begin looking out for number one -- really paying attention to you -- your sense of self is elevated to a new plateau of awareness. You begin to rediscover those feelings of accomplishment you have hidden from yourself for so long, perhaps hidden by your lack of understanding about how important it is to accept the 'me first' philosophy.

You begin to feel better about you! That feels good so you begin to have fun being yourself once more. Your attitude about yourself is getting better. You feel good about who you are. You discover you are changing, people are noticing and it feels good. You regain your zest for living. Your attitude becomes, "Ain't life great! Let's go have some fun!"

High self-esteem is attractive to others.

I can think of only one exception. When other people have low self-esteem, they may feel very uncomfortable in the presence of someone who knows what they want, where they are going and what kind of relationship they want. They may feel intimidated by you. I say, "So what?" They may not be the kind of person you want to be around anyway.

Again, forget trying to fix them. You can't do that anyway. Only you can fix you.

When I say pay attention to you or take care of yourself first, I am not talking about self-centeredness. Self-centeredness breeds indifference to others. The arrogance of only looking out for yourself will find you being passed over in the relationship department.

I am talking about making a contribution to yourself with the same fervor and generosity you would for your love partner. Preoccupation only with self can leave both you and your lover very lonely. It is wise to pay as much attention to the needs of your love partner as you do to your own.

Balance is a prerequisite and a goal worthy of pursuit.

Copyright © 2007 - Larry James. Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With."

Are You Being Authentic in Your Relationship?

Are You Being Authentic
in Your Relationship?
Larry James

"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips; when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do." - Dr. Carl Hammerschlag, Speaker, Author, Healer

Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?

Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself. Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.

Being authentic is being genuine. Being genuine is being true to the commitments you have made to each other. It means standing up for what is real. None of the fake persona we often see. The temptation to be fake, phony, or misleading is centered on the desire to feel smart, important, or better than someone else. That is your ego speaking. Shed those pretences. Not being authentic demands a lot of misguided energy. Being authentic is easy. It's being fake that is difficult.

I'm certain that you know you can fool some of the people some of the time (even yourself), but not all of the people all of the time. Authenticity reduces phoniness to nothing.

It seems to me that being authentic begins with being true to yourself. It's knowing that deep within, you know beyond a doubt that who you being is the real you. When you live an authentic life, you are living a life that resonates with your inner being, free from relationships that limit possibilities. Living authentically means to be happy with who you are, as you are. Living with authenticity is a journey that will lead you to your incredible self.

Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., says, "The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short; clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is - for us."

The truth is, most people are intuitive and can feel when something is not right. They know when you are not being honest with them or yourself.

Shakespeare gave us this ethical principle: "This above all - to thine own self be true." It's practicing greatness - even when no one else is watching. We must learn to live in a way that expresses our real desires, principles and demonstrates our character. When our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.

It's not trying to be someone you think your partner wants you to be. It's not doing what you do to just get by, it's doing whatever it takes to have your partner feel assured that you are who you say you are and are consistently doing what's right.

Demonstrating authenticity in your relationship is a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship. It certainly helps if you have a specific intention to be that way.

The great thing about authenticity is that it releases you from the requirement to be perfect. No one is perfect. Just be you own good self.

Authenticity is only one piece of the relationship puzzle. And it is an important piece. Strive to be honest in the sense of allowing your behavior and conversation to be a true and spontaneous expression of your inner feelings.

Being authentic is to be able to live with your guard down; to be venerable; to be able to be yourself, not someone that someone else thinks you should be.

Being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and caring to your partner. It means that what you say, what you mean, what you intend, and what you do, are all in alignment and You are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that you are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart.

Only when you have evolved into clarity and authenticity by resolving the conflicts, confusion, and self-doubt within, will you be accepted, respected and listened to by your partner. There is great power in being an example of authenticity to your partner.

Being authentic can be defined as unquestionable congruent living - the moment-to-moment alignment of your sincere thoughts, values, emotions and actions. - Anisa Aven

Perhaps your relationship would be much better if you spend less time trying to convince yourself that you are being authentic and more time demonstrating authenticity to your partner. The truth of who you are must be lived not just believed. Once these truths are discovered, you must bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that you become authentic. Intention to be authentic is great however your actions always speak louder than your words.

The truth is you cannot not be authentic. Even a counterfeit one hundred dollar bill is a genuine counterfeit bill - it is what it is, a very real counterfeit one hundred dollar bill. You have your own personality. Be that. Be authentic. You are what you are doing.

Copyright © 2007 - Larry James - Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship" by Larry James