Choosing a New Partner

CHOOSING A NEW PARTNER
by Tim Sharp M.Sc., (Clin Psych)

Lilli found herself divorced, employed, and the sole provider for a young child. The stress of her divorce led to many unwanted physical changes. She felt old, tired, and used. Nonetheless, she couldn't imagine a lifetime alone. In thinking about her previous relationship, she decided to get information about how to choose a better mate this next time around.

Many people change partners at least once, and possibly more than once, during their adult lives. Sadly enough, less research and preparation often go into picking a new partner than choosing a new car or a new home. Preparation and having a clear idea of what you want from a relationship can help you and your new partner to make a happy, fulfilling, and life-long match. This information sheet won't guarantee that your next partner will be the perfect one, but it may help.

"Opposites attract" may be true, but doesn't usually lead to lengthy partnerships.



Most happy long-lasting partnerships are formed by people who are quite similar. Compatibility in areas such as income level, education, religion, ethnicity, values and interests minimizes the possibility for conflict between partners and maximizes harmony. Major differences often spell difficulty in the long run.

As in most other areas of life, if you believe that you deserve the best, you will be more successful than thinking you need to take whom evercomes along and is willing to be with you.

However, consider making your standards "human" rather than "material." While the thought of marrying a handsome or beautiful millionaire might seem optimal, there are plenty of unpleasant millionaires. There are also plenty of rather conceited handsome or beautiful people (of course, there are a lot of nice ones too !) Checkout what really matters to you in a partner. Is it how you feel about yourself in his/her presence after your first fight? Is it how easily you can discuss things that are usually hard to tell someone, like things about them you'd like changed? Write down your criteria for a long-term partner.

If you have been through a series of unhappy relationships, and feel that you are bad at picking a partner, pay particular attention to changing your approach. Be very careful of some of the wrong reasons for feeling very attached to someone.

Some of the wrong reasons are as follows:
a. You think he/she is in need of your help, and you can somehow change or rescue this person.

b. You think you "should" or "ought" to be with this person, due to external pressure.

c. You might be unsafe if you upset or anger this person.

d. You feel you are unattractive and that you could never find anybody else.

People who speak English as a first language have only one word for love.
The ancient Greeks made the distinction between eros (Erotic Love) and agape (Friendship Love). Don't confuse the two. Falling for someone, finding them attractive and wanting to be with them is nature's way of leading us to one another. Staying with someone, making it work over a long period of time, and co-operating requires friendship with your partner. So, the many of the same characteristics you would expect in a good friend are also the characteristics of a good partner.

Be clear to yourself and to the other person about what you expect of the relationship.
Do you expect it to be short-term, medium, or long-term? In the old days, it was men who did the picking and choosing, hiring and firing. Now times have changed, things are a lot more equal. Take advantage of this.

Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
How did your potential mate treat his/her last girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife? How does he or she treat their family, friends and others with whom they are close?Don't believe that people spontaneously make major changes in how they behave. Many people spend their lives hoping and praying unrealistically that their mate will change. Generally speaking people don't change a great deal unless they choose to make a committment to systematic change (eg. psychotherapy). Even then, therapy is for people who really want to change, and even more to the point, therapy does not necessarily change people the way their partner wants them to change! You cannot make someone change. You can simply ask, andsee what you get.

Everyone responds badly to negative criticism, nagging and complaining.
Decide that you will deal with the difficulties every relationship goes through in a sensible, calm manner. If this is an area you need help to overcome, call a professional today, or join a support group for managing conflict. One of the best predictors of how a relationship will turn out is how the partners in it deal with conflicts. Violence is never acceptable in a relationship; it never solves problems.

If you have children living with you, consider their happiness and safety, too.
It is your job to make your children comfortable with your relationships. Allow your children to have a chance to discuss their feelings with you. Practice listening rather than reacting defensively. Respond with statements like, "I know sometimes you can feel that way." or"I understand that ..., and what you're feeling is normal." Protect them from unnecessary stresses and strains over things they can't change. Use social services, such as counseling or classes for step-families, if necessary, to help integrate your new partner into your existing family. Go the extra mile to guarantee that your child's relationship with your partner is happy and constructive, too.

Never "put up" with a relationship that is consistently undermining to you, is dangerous, or makes you unhappy with yourself and your behavior.
You'd pay for legal advice if needed; treat relationships the same way. Get the help you need. It's available in many forms, and often for free both, on-line and off-line.

Your relationship can be the best part of your life. Make it that way!

Tim Sharp B.Sc.,M.Sc (Clin Psych), Principal Clinical Psychologist (Adult/Family) Author Tim Sharp is a British Clinical Psychologist in Health Service Practice on the Isle of Wight in Southern England. After qualifying in 1985, he has worked for the British National Health Service, the New Zealand Department of Social Welfare and Bermuda Hospitals Board. Tim's principal interest is in systemic family therapy, particularly with respect to multicultural issues.

100 WAYS TO LOVE YOUR MATE

100 WAYS TO LOVE YOUR MATE
by Connie Saindon, MA

This list is designed to be a quick check for you to review. Use it to give you ideas to maintain your relationship, to give it a positive boost or to select a holiday gift. Some couples have also used it as a request list. They have circled what they would like to have and asked their partner to do the same. Feel free to add to the list and use it again and again. Enjoy!

1. Hug them.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call them at work just to say "Hi."

4. Give them a foot massage.

5. Tell them a joke.

6. Caress them with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with them.

8. Send them a "happy gram."

9. Admit your mistakes.

10. Say: "I love you."

11. Indulge a whim.

12. Listen to them talk about an interest of theirs.

13. Be trustworthy.

14. Instead of complaining, tell them what you would prefer.

15. Look at them when you're in a discussion.

16. Send flowers.

17. Compliment something they did.

18. Offer to help.

19. Ask them to show you how to do something.

20. Call when you are going to be late.

21. Take them out to dinner.

22. Write them a poem about how special they are.

23. Cut out a cartoon they'll enjoy.

24. Ask them what they'd like sexually.

25. Go shopping together.

26. Take an afternoon drive.

27. Cuddle.

28. Put your arm around them in front of others.

29. Take them out on a surprise date.

30. Do something they want to do.

31. Listen.

32. Plan a candle light dinner.

33. Look at old photos together.

34. Serve them breakfast in bed.

35. Hold hands.

36. Share sexual fantasies.

37. Do a work project together.

38. Rub their back.

39. Take a shower together.

40. Carry their photo in your wallet.

41. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

42. Kiss them.

43. Smile more when you look at them.

44. Go for a bicycle ride together.

45. Surprise them with "special" attire.

46. Plan a picnic lunch.

47. Read something together about how to have a better relationship.

48. Repeat what they say before answering.

49. Say "Good morning" first.

50. Ask if they have a few minutes first before interrupting.

51. Send them a card.

52. Surprise them with a gift when it's a non-holiday.

53. Cook them a favorite meal.

54. Try a new restaurant.

55. Ask them how they feel.

56. Let them know when you are proud of them.

57. Ask for their opinion.

58. Turn on some romantic music.

59. Dedicate a song to them.

60. Send them a balloon bouquet.

61. Watch a sunset together.

62. Play a game together.

63. Have them teach you something they know.

64. Tell them they have the night off.

65. Go to a movie they select.

66. Ask them for a hug.

67. Wear some new cologne.

68. Take them to Bali.

69. Discuss future plans with them.

70. Ask if you can help when they look sad.

71. Ask them about their dreams.

72. Meet them for lunch.

73. Enlarge a scenic photo of a place you've shared.

74. Give them a gift certificate for their favorite store.

75. Tell them what you like about them.

76. Buy them a new perfume.

77. Take them to a scenic spot.

78. Send them a gourmet gift basket.

79. Send them a joke card.

80. Let them know when you've thought of them during the day.

81. Buy them a toy.

82. Compliment them to their friends.

83. Bring them a thirst quenching drink.

84. Tell them when they look attractive.

85. Send them a post card.

86. Invite them to a secret rendezvous.

87. Give them a massage.

88. Take a lesson with them.

89. Look at photos together of when you met.

90. Plan a vacation with them.

91. Listen openly to their opposing opinion.

92. Buy them a new piece of jewelry.

93. Watch a TV show they like with them

94. Write them a letter.

95. Listen to music with them, such as an old favorite.

96. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear.

97. Tell them what you like that they do.

98. Give a head massage.

99. Invite them to a concert.

100. Let them know you care.

Connie Saindon, M.A., MFT, CTS is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Trauma Specialist. She serves on the board of the local chapter of the Association for Traumatic Stress Specialists and is a Continuing Education provider. She is a volunteer with the San Diego Police Departments' Crisis Intervention Team and their Sexual Assault Prevention Program. She is a trained Disaster Mental Health Responder with the Red Cross and is Certified to conduct Debriefings. She has been appointed chair of the Community Response Committee for the California Division of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists. To contact her for services and consultation, She can be reached at 7850 Mission Center Court, Suite 208, San Diego, CA 92108. Her phone number is (619)295-8595 FAX 619-295-8696

Internet Dating for the Midlife Woman

Internet Dating for the Midlife Woman
By Susan Dunn, MA
Personal Life & EQ Coach

More Internet dating and matchmaking sites are coming online all the time. It's no wonder they're so popular. We're all looking and it pays to extend your reach. Midlife dating is definitely a "numbers game" and here's why. The only way to
do this is to get in there and start doing it. If you have been married a long time, you'll find men at this age (whatever age you're at now) are different. Dating on the Internet can help you get back into circulation. Some even often online "speed" dating, where you can make contact with several men on the same evening.

If you're serious about finding a new guy, no doubt you're getting out in your own community, have joined singles, activities and religious groups, are taking dancing lesson, pursuing your usual hobbies and interests, and letting others know you're ready to date again. The Internet is "what else" you can do.

The Internet offers two opportunities you may not have thought of. First of all, there are plenty of pornography and sex sites on the Internet and the guys know where they are. Therefore, many of the men on dating sites are truly interested in dating, long-term commitment, friendship, and marriage.

Secondly, certain aspects of Internet dating favor the non-aggressive man with honest intent. Using an Internet dating site takes time. If he's desperate and needy (emotionally or sexually), he won't take the time to fill out an Internet form and start emailing, but will head for the local dive where he knows he can find what he's after immediately.

It also gives the less-assertive man a slow way to get to know a woman. He may be an introvert, or simply new to dating and unsure of himself, and can get himself better grounded on the Internet. You may catch him just at the right time.

How to begin? Take a look at some of the different sites and get a feel for them. Particularly pay attention to how the profiles are set up. Here are some things you'll want to make sure of:

1. The profile tells you the kind of things about someone you need to know



2. Your anonymity is protected
3. A photo is available
4. There is way to block or permanently end contact with someone
5. They attempt to screen undesirables. No guarantee but at least, for instance, they say they forbid married people, felons, pornography, hate, etc.

Bear in mind there are no guarantees on the Internet you won't meet a louse, pervert, felon, liar, or promiscuous married man. There are no guarantees about this in real life, either. There are some obvious clues to watch for: refusing to share a photo, using foul language, asking for money, being domineering, moving too fast, preoccupation with sex, inappropriate site names such as "SexTrain," signs of desperation, or being inconsistent or evasive about details.

The best rule of thumb is if it makes you feel uneasy, use the "delete" key. You begin with email correspondence, so take your time. You'll get quicker about catching on to bad signs as you practice.

Always remember to protect yourself. Don't give your personal email address or home phone number until you're reasonably sure. Never agree to meet someone in a remote or peculiar location. If in doubt, don't. If it's good, it will stand the test of time.

The best way to begin is to make a list about your expectations - not just their age and appearance, but their conduct. Then work with a coach to brush up on your skills and provide valuable feedback. When you set up your profile, be honest about your personal habits, lifestyle, and what you're looking for in a man. When you learn something that works, stick with it. For instance if you
read someone's profile that's worded better than yours, go back in and tweak yours.

Men's first attraction is visual (physical), so get a good recent photograph of yourself. Some people are more photogenic than others, but it's unfair to use a photograph that's 5 years old, or that represents you before gaining or losing 30 pounds. Be proud of who you are, represent it as best you can, and hope the man does the same.

For more tips, including how to identify a married man early-on, see my ebook, "Midlife Dating Survival for Women."

Good luck!

©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life & EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for midlife women for personal and professional development. Susan is the author of "The Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women." Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine.