Why Do People Cheat?
June 23rd, 2008I love this article by Steve Penner and want to share it with all….
Steve Penner
June 20, 2008 6:00 AM
“What do you think about the whole Elliot Spitzer affair?”
This is a question that a number of people have asked me in recent months. Then I saw the “Sex and the City” movie, in which cheating by one of the boyfriends is the plot twist that drives the rest of the movie.
So I decided it was time to discuss the whole nefarious concept of “cheating” in relationships.
I was amazed when the media jumped all over the Spitzer affair, as if they had discovered something new. Just think, a powerful politician was caught cheating with a high-priced call girl. Wow, how unusual!
But before I continue, I thought I should try and define exactly what is “cheating.” And I realized that I can’t. Especially today, the whole concept of cheating in a relationship is far more complicated than ever.
Naturally most people would agree that if someone involved in a serious relationship goes to a hooker or has an affair with someone at work that person is cheating on his or her partner. But let me pose the following questions …; is it cheating when someone:
Masturbates while looking at pictures in Playboy (or Playgirl) or on the Internet?
Masturbates when communicating with someone in a live chat room on the Internet?
Goes to a club and watches dancers take their clothes off?
Goes to a club and gets a lap dance?
Has an orgasm while getting a lap dance?
I could easily list about 20 other questions that might illicit different answers from different people. And I am positive that men and women tend to answer the above questions differently, along with people from different religious and cultural backgrounds. (In some countries a woman going outside with her face uncovered is considered cheating.)
But since we know that cheating is a prime relationship killer, I challenge any reader currently in a serious relationship (note that I am not just referring to married couples) to ask their partner to define the term. I predict that even couples who have been together for many years have never had such a discussion …; unless somebody has already been caught cheating.
While writing this column, my daughter who is home from college walked by, and I mentioned I was somewhat stumped trying to define the concept of cheating. She immediately responded “Dad, you really should watch an episode from the second season of ‘Sex and the City.’”
Now my daughter is a walking “Sex and the City” encyclopedia. So she got out her Season 2 DVD, and we viewed the episode titled “The Cheating Curve,” in which the ladies have a discussion trying to define the term.
Good old Samantha answers the question “why men cheat” with the statement that is probably one of the best and funniest quotes of the entire series: “Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their (privates), because they can.”
But then level-headed Carrie responds that women cheat too, and with the wisdom of Solomon (or actually whomever wrote that episode because I don’t think Carrie is really that wise) states “I just don’t think you can define cheating in absolute terms …; Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they want to cheat.”
Hmmm, think about that statement when you ask your mate for his or her definition of cheating.
Perhaps if couples communicated more with one another there might be less temptation for one party to cheat. An in-depth conversation trying to define the term might also open up some needed lines of communication that could lead one party or the other to reveal some unresolved “needs” that really should be discussed and addressed.
So many couples these days find themselves bogged down in ridiculously hectic schedules surrounding dual careers, children, and other stresses so that certain “needs” often are overlooked. Sound like anyone you know?
I also must point out that back in the 1980s at the dating service I ran for 23 years, when I asked divorced women for the cause of their divorce, a large number said it was because their husband cheated. Rarely did men ever state that their wife had cheated. But fast forward 20 years, and a growing number of men related stories of cheating wives.
Viva la women’s liberation …; I guess.
Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. “The Truth about Dating” reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. He welcomes comments and feedback at pennerst@hotmail.com. Steve’s book, “The Truth About Dating Revealed; How to Realize and Raise Your Dating Quotient,” is now available through his Web site www.thetruthaboutdating.com and at local bookstores.